An Experiment - Asking Alexandria, Stand Up And Scream

I'm sure a lot of you are aware of Asking Alexandria. They're that band with the crazy people, apparently bigger in the U.S. than over here, but still pretty formidable anyway. As I'm sure many of you have, I heard of them first through Kerrang! I've not listened to them before, but they look like something I might like, so I'm going to have a listen to their Stand Up And Scream album from 2009. Let's do it.

Alerion
It starts off with a girl calling someone in the rain, and now there's sort of dance music-y noises, and guitars. It sounds alright, but I'm not really excited yet . . . oh now there's screaming. I like it, but it's kind of . . . it doesn't feel like they're doing it right.

The Final Episode (Let's Change The Channel)
Guitars. This sounds better, but I'm still not sure. It's good, but it's not interesting me at all. It doesn't feel like a song that I need to listen to, like I could completely forget I'm listening to it if I wasn't writing this right now. It just sounds like someone doing a quick impression of metal. The singing in the chorus is good though. I like it more as the song goes on. I just feel like they're doing a lot of that sort of jerky guitar stuff as opposed to actually using some kind of riff for it or a real rhythm. Nooo, actually. Changed my mind. Don't like this one, and I'm kind of pissed off that I've committed to listening to this album all the way through.

A Candlelit Dinner With Inamorta
They're doing it again; ignoring creating a guitar riff and just going for the jerky stuff and screaming because they can. I'm not feeling this at all, the songs feel really empty. Like, normally with a good song you can feel some kind of story or feeling there even without looking at the lyrics, but these just feel flat. Why is there a dance music bit in this too? It's not even good dance, it's like the shitty Eurotrash stuff. It doesn't fit in at all, it's like they've just decided to stick it in because they've run out of ideas. It's actually kind of depressing me, I was hoping I'd be discovering a new band to listen to here.

Nobody Don't Dance No More
I can't tell the difference between this and the previous three songs. If there hadn't been a pause at the end I'd have thought it was just one really long song . . . god I'm bored. How long's left of this? What a surprise, there's random dance music type stuff inserted in this one, too.

Hey There Mr. Brooks
Eight songs left after this. I don't think I can keep listening, they're making my mood plummet and I really can't handle that, I'm bad enough without help. Fast-forwarding.

Hiatus
FOR FUCKS SAKE STOP USING DANCE MUSIC, IT DIDNT WORK THE FIRST FIVE TIMES, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO WORK NOW?

If You Can't Ride Two Horses At Once . . . You Should Get Out Of The Circus
please stop. Reading about Ed Gein to pass the time until this nightmare's over. This song's boring me to death.

A Single Moment Of Sincerity
Ugh. The only skill I'm seeing so far is their ability to make 3 minutes and 51 seconds last longer than I would have previously thought possible.

Not The American Average
this sounds slightly different, enough for me to pay attention. I kind of liked it, but now it's gone boring again. This is painful to listen to.

I Used To Have A Best Friend (But Then He Gave Me An STD)
I can actually feel this having a negative effect on my mental health. It's just . . . so boring and shabby, there's no effort at all in this. It's just a one-dimensional impression of metal.

A Prophecy
Bored. Out. Of. My. Mind.

I Was Once, Maybe, Perhaps A Cowboy King
I've said this before, but really all that's possible to say about this is that it sounds exactly the same as every other song on the album. I was really, really hoping Asking Alexandria would be a band I could like, and I'm so disappointed. The way people go on about them, I thought they'd be good.

When Everyday's The Weekend
Finally, it's over. Well, after this last one. It's like if Katy Perry did metal instead of pop. You could just put the same song on an album 14 times and release that, and nobody would realise anything was unusual about it.

Never ever listening to these guys again. Definitely not in the foreseeable future, anyway. Wow, my ears feel damaged after that. They put more effort into the song titles than the songs themselves.

I'm going to do another experiment

And for it I need people to recommend some good tunes from before the year 1900. Comment with them or summat :)

An Experiment - Black Veil Brides, We Stitch These Wounds

(I could never spend that long getting ready, I'd just get bored and forget to paint one side of my face)

If you’ve read an issue of Kerrang! Magazine, then you know who Black Veil Brides are. I don’t remember where they came from, but very suddenly they were here, there and everywhere, painting themselves stripy and being very melodramatic and making people either love them or hate them. I don’t personally know anyone who loves them, and in fact am probably endangering my life because if Alix finds out I’m listening to BVB, she will throttle me.  However, I’m going to be naughty and do it anyway, for the same reason I did the One Direction experiment – a lot of people like them, so can I find what’s there to like (aside from Andy Biersack being fit as, obviously, but that’s nothing to do with the quality of their music)? This time, however, I’ve picked a group that’s closer to the genres of music I actually listen to, so it might not hurt my head as much.

I’ll be going through their debut album, We Stitch These Wounds, although their second one seems to be much more recognised. The album cover for this kind of annoys me, because it's just Andy Biersack (vocals), when it's not only him in the band. I don't like it when they just idolise the singer and ignore everyone else. But, ignoring the vanity, I shall give it a listen. The love/hate had to start somewhere, right?

The Outcasts (Call To Arms)

Just an intro, I think. It sounds like from the inside of a placenta. You don't want to know how I know that.

We Stitch These Wounds

Oooh big guitar riff, very fancy. I think it’s a riff? I don’t know. But so far it’s nice. Wow, this guy has a deeper voice than you’d expect. This song’s not as big as I thought it would be from the first few seconds – I was expecting more explosions, you know? This sounds like being angry in someone’s living room. It’s alright though. Kind of boring. Is it that it’s boring though, or is my concentration just that short? His voice is really creeping me out though. I feel kind of like it doesn’t really fit the music, especially not the sudden screechy bit. It doesn’t all seem to fit together; it’s like a sort of collage of screamo, rock and metal, but not by someone who does a lot of collages. It’s just a lot quieter than it should be.

Beautiful Remains

Oh, this sounds promising. No. No, it’s let me down. They do this thing where they’ve got a pretty cool intro and you expect some big massive song, and it’s just . . . not massive. This sounds more together than the first one, though, although Biersack still doesn’t sound quite right with the rest of it. He’s got a very weird voice. The song doesn’t really grab your attention, but it’s alright in the background. This one goes on a bit though. It just doesn’t really sound like they’re putting all their effort in, but if they did, it’d be awesome.

Children Surrender

Ooh, they’re getting better with the starts. This sounds like another promising one . . . is it? . . . it’s getting there, they’re working on getting the rest of the song up to the same standard. The screaming feels kind of like they’re just putting it in because they can, though, and not because it’s appropriate at that point (which it isn’t, I don’t think). They keep doing these sort of bridge bits that sound like they’re going to build up to something really big, and then you get the chorus and it’s just not big enough. Like, it’s nice, but it needs to be BOOM WOW AWESOME IT BURNED MY HEAD OFF

Perfect Weapon

I do like a song that starts with screaming. Or not . . . this is too slow. I want faster and angrier . . . It really does feel like they’re not trying hard enough, and it’s infuriating, because you can hear that all the songs so far would be kickass if they really went to it, but they’re just coasting along on 5/10 effort (that was the 666^th word) when they need to be doing like 20/10 for a first album, and then find more and more effort. The songs are sounding more together as the album goes on though. Does anything I say make sense? I feel like I’m just typing the first thing that comes into my head here, and I don’t know if it sounds like a real critique or not. Ugh, do they need this guitar solo? Is it really necessary? I loathe unnecessary guitar solos.

Knives And Pens

These songs are all sounding a bit same-y to me, like none are really standing out from the others. Like, I’m not really picking up on the lyrics or anything. They’re not songs that make me curious to try them again in case they grow on me. This one’s just more of the same, just singing, a bit of screaming, half-hearted chorus, guitar solo . . . blah.

The Mortician’s Daughter

Oh, a different sounding one. Acoustic. Mmm, doesn’t really suit his voice though, it makes him sound more nasal. It’s still kind of boring, but it’s different and I think I’d want to listen to this one again. It’s a nice relief from all the other ‘look mum, I can shred’ type ones. Aaah, nice.

All Your Hate

Oh god, the angst is back. Are they going to go anywhere with this? YES! THEY’RE GETTING IT, THEY’RE ACTUALLY SORT OF GETTING IT. Yes, it’s looking up now, actually. I’ve figured out what my problem with the others was. There was sort of a lot of empty space in them where there could have been loud noises, and they’ve sorted that out a bit here, which is good. They’re putting a bit more effort in, about 7/10. Yep, aside from the still-unnecessary screaming and the fecking guitar solo, this one’s another good one. I’d listen to this one again.

Heaven’s Calling

Can they keep up the good work? Yes, it looks like they can. I’m finally starting to get excited about this album. They’re finally getting into their stride here. I feel like the effort’s gone down a little bit again, but there’s still more there than the stuff before The Mortician’s Daughter. I just don’t like the screaming. I feel like if you’re going to put it in the way they’re putting it in these songs, you need an extra singer, like Sean Smith in The Blackout. I suppose I may as well let them off on the guitar solos a bit though, since it’s that style of music. It just gets a bit annoying, because it’s not like being able to play guitar’s a rare skill. Being a douchebag about it certainly isn’t.

Never Give In

OOOOHH,  I LIKE THIS ONE, IT ACTUALLY SOUNDS A BIT DIFFERENT TO THE OTHERS OH MY GOD THIS IS ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD I FEEL LIKE THE CAPS ARE MAKING ME SOUND MORE PLEASED THAN I AM BUT I’M JUST REALLY SURPRISED BY HOW THEY’VE SUDDENLY STARTED REALLY GOING FOR IT. Yes, I like this one, it’s good. The music and the lyrics and Andy Biersack’s weird voice actually all fit together in this. Yep, this one’s good. I’m beginning to get that feeling you get when you find a new band to listen to. Aaaahahaahah I’m quite pleased with this. Yessss, NEVER BACK DOWN.

Sweet Blasphemy

Aah brilliant, brilliant, they’re actually doing yet another different-sounding song. They’re breaking away from whatever they were doing with the first few songs. This is starting to sound more dark and dramatic, but it’s sounding more like they know what they’re doing. However, this one’s bored me slightly without me realising. I forgot it was playing. It’s still pretty good though. I’d try it again. They’re not just relying on the same old stuff they seem to have been told would work.

Carolyn

And another acoustic – oh no, there’s electric guitars in there too. Intriguing. Oh no, we’re going more electric. Those aren't bad 'oh no's though. I feel like this should be the soundtrack to some kind of romcom scene where they go running about in the rain on a cliff (I don’t watch romcoms). I like this one, it’s good. However, on the chorus, I feel like he should be really belting it out and he’s not. I just like it when people belt things out. This is their Sad Song. It’s a nice one to end the album on, but kind of. . . I feel like this song is, again, supposed to be really big and wowwy, and like fireworks to end the album on, and they’ve not quite managed to do that.

So there we go. We Stitch These Wounds. An alright album, and better towards the end, definitely. However, it’s about a B- for effort, and I’m not sure why it made all the fuss that it did, because there’s nothing there that’s really spectacular. However, I find myself listening to some of their later stuff as I'm editing it, and they are a band I could listen to again. Over time they seem to have themselves figured out a lot better. So yes, maybe not the best debut album out there, but it's alright.

An Experiment: One Direction, Up All Night

(ooh look we're in spaaaaceeeee)

Unless you’re really, really out of touch with pop culture, I don’t really need to introduce One Direction. However, just in case you are:

Formed on the X Factor a couple of years ago, didn’t win but proved my theory that the recipe for instant success in the music industry is ‘teenage boy + Clearasil + friends + v-necks + sincere expression + songs about kissing=£££££’, as they pretty much surpassed any other act that’s ever been on the show full-stop, purely by riding on a tide of pre-pubescent, impressionable girl hormones (and adult lady hormones, after that Caroline Flack debacle). Their fans seem to be incredibly insecure and worry we might forget their existence, which is why the incredibly annoying, incessant Twitter trends like ‘we love you Harry Styles (insert other member’s name here’ or something along that vein. Fans have also lost favour with the rock and metal community after mass criticism and bullying of the late Suicide Silence singer Mitch Lucker and his five-year-old daughter Kenadee (that’s a rant for another time, but really don’t fuck with Kenadee, 'cause there’s a lot of bands and fans willing to rip out your throat to ensure that little girl’s happiness). Yes, the fans are not the group, but I would have hoped that they would recognise their influence over people and perhaps tweet that it's not ok to send death threats to a child, especially not one whose dad has just died. Just don't send death threats full-stop, but you see what I mean, right?

That, quite obviously, is kind of a biased summary. I will admit I don’t carry a favourable impression of the group, and I turn the radio off whenever their songs happen to be played. That’s why this post is going to be an experiment. I’m going to go and listen to their first album, Up All Night, all the way through, to see what I think. Maybe my opinion will change. Maybe my eyes will burst and I will be driven to despair by the fact that such ‘music’ has so much power over my peers. Won’t know until I try though, will I? I’m already nervous.

What Makes You Beautiful

Their first single, or the first one I remember hearing at least. “You’re insecure/don’t know what for” I know what for. It’s the patriarchy reinforcing unrealistic and downright impossible beauty ideals on both men and women. Ohhhhh dancy dancy chorus. I could do some stupid stuff to this. They’re definitely very enthusiastic when they’re singing. I worry if hair flipping overwhelms them. There’s a lot of chorus in this, not much meaning, and it’s getting boring. I like the chorus to be something you build up to, not the whole song. If you want the same line over and over you just take it from a song and sample it into a dance track, don’t actually sing a whole song with the same two verses again and again. However, it is quite a nice, happy track.

Gotta Be You

I think I’ve heard this one before at some point, but I only remember a very high pitched ‘oooooooo’ sound, so this one’s got a blank slate. Oh, nice, violins, very dramatic. ‘Anointed’ – someone’s let them loose on a dictionary. Aaah, there’s the high-pitched ‘oooooo’. This seems to have a very similar message in it to the first song; the kind of ‘you are a very special girl and I did something stupid but why don’t you like me’ one. The rest of it doesn’t really say owt though, it’s just words picked to rhyme, not speak. Ooh, is that a harmony? That’s a serious question because I don’t know music. Is this their song for when they stand in a line and do a simultaneous arm sweep at the chorus? Again, a bit too much chorus for my liking.

One Thing

Sounds like a jingle for a local radio station. He’s tried playing it cool, but when he’s looking at you (he gets a boner because that’s what teenage boys do). Dancy dancy chorus again. They need that one thing, and you have it, and I’m pretty sure it’s your vagina. Oh god, they’re climbing the walls WHAT ARE THEY STALKERS? “Something’s gotta give” – this is starting to sound like a friendzone song; “I’ve been really nice to you so can we have sex now because that’s how mixed sex friendships work/lol what does platonic mean”. There’s also the same ‘ooh you are special girl special special magic girl’ message as the previous songs, and AGAIN TOO MUCH BLOODY CHORUS. It’s almost like you’ve had these songs be specifically designed to have a very obvious catchy hook so they sell more.  . .

More Than This

This appears to be their first serious/sitting-on-a-bar-stool song. Woaaaahh there why’s it suddenly turned into dance music? Ow. No, I don’t like that. Stick to sincere-sounding guitars or dance, don’t do both, it’s just weird and it doesn’t sound nice. Their voices sound weird in this too, like they’re trying to slide into an American accent. Wooaah there, ‘when he lays you down’? Chill out there and stay out of this mystery girl’s sex life. Maybe you are dying inside, but that’s what you get for climbing her walls and being generally obsessive. Give her some privacy. That’s probably why she’s letting him lay her down instead of you. Anyway, the music – chorus. Can’t even be arsed saying it again. I really don’t like this one though, because of the overpowering ‘I should have more say over your love life’ message.

Up All Night

Woaaahhhh there boys, you’re supposed to be squeaky clean, right? Your demographic doesn’t even do Up Past Eleven, let alone the rest of the evening. Ooh, now you’ve got the idea, stick to just dance music type stuff – well I say ‘dance’ music, what I mean is that you’ve got more electricky noises. I’m actually dancing to this one. S’alright actually. So far, this one’s my favourite. Sounds kind of like they were listening to a lot of Katy Perry when they had this one written – they’ve even mentioned her in the bridge bit. IT’S THE SEX REFERENCE AGAIN CHILL OUT. IT WORKED FOR BUSTED, IT DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU. This is quite bizarre cause I’ve got The Sopranos on mute on the TV, so now it’s got a really surreal soundtrack and it looks like Paulie Walnuts is singing the song. Oh, they want to jump, not hump. That’s good, remember your target market doesn’t even like sex yet – actually, scratch that, I have, unfortunately, accidentally stumbled across 1D porn in the past and there’s … just no. It’s written by very horny young girls whose only experience of sex appears to be a diagram of the reproductive system and overheard snippets of 18-rated films.

I Wish

Here we go again with the ‘you’re with the wrong guy/friendzone’ thing again. And don’t try to pretend you’re shy, you’ve got more power than the government. This is their deep, sad song, isn’t it? It’s not really grabbing me. That’s a problem with a lot of the songs so far, they’re lacking in meaning and they don’t really sound good enough to make up for it, so after the first chorus I’m bored and I want to skip to the next song. This is actually so boring I’ve been editing the rest of the article while I’m waiting for this one to finish, because I’m supposed to be giving the whole album a proper go. Yawn.

Tell Me A Lie

‘Dance’ ‘music’ again. I say that in separate quotes ‘cause it’s not really dance and it’s not really music. So far, this one’s pretty boring too. Oh no, I like the bit just before the chorus. This seems to be going along the ‘no means yes’ line, too – oh no, you do want me, and you can say you don’t all you like, but I refuse to believe you. It’s not really interesting me though, and I’m more bothered by Tony Soprano’s terrible beige and cream short-sleeved jumper than the song. Oh, thank god, it’s over. I didn’t even notice most of that song happening.

Taken

The Rebound Song. This is also really boring. I forgot I was supposed to be listening, and not just because I have terrible concentration. Mediocre attempts to create funny captions for cat pictures are more entertaining than this. Ugh, there’s another two minutes left of this? Jesus Christ. Booorrrriinnnnggggggggggggg. Maybe if it was faster it’d be better? Maybe if it was shorter? Like, 20 seconds long?

I Want

Oooh, dramatic musical number. Ok, they’re all musical numbers, but you’d get it if you listened to it. It sounds like something you tap dance across a stage to. Oh, stick a little bit of guitar in there so you sound rock’n’roll. This album is really boring me though. Can I stop listening yet? There’s no depth to the songs, nothing to sort of think about. The music doesn’t conjure up any images in my head and the lyrics just make them sound like douchebags.

Want doesn’t get.

AaaaaAAAAaAAAargh, there’s another eight songs after this. Eight? Jesus wept, somebody save me. This song sounds exactly like all the others so far. I wonder if you did a word cloud of the song lyrics of this album, how often would the word ‘you’ come up? They must have said it more than ‘want’ and ‘eyes’. They’re definitely trying to sound American in this. Oh hey, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this episode, Richie’s still alive and he’s with Janice Soprano. Damn, she looks good in this one. Another minute left of the song and there’s nothing of enough substance in it to mention. Am I into the wrong kind of stuff to review this properly, or are the songs just that shit? You decide.

Everything About You

My ears are starting to bleed. I’m trying to see merit in these songs, but they’re just the same songs all the time. Same music, same lyrics, same messages of ‘this is what I’ve heard heartbreak sounds like but I’m more concerned about if this will sell well than if any of this makes sense and strikes a chord with listeners’. This is making me want to bang my head on the table. How do so many people like this stuff? It’s too boring to be the kind of music you really listen to, but it’s too annoying to be on in the background. Verse, chorus, chorus, chorus, verse, chorus, pause, more emotional chorus.

Same Mistakes

My brain hurts. Working out how this kind of pseudo-music sells so much is more difficult than trigonometry. I dropped maths, but I’m listening to this album by choice. This is more proof than anything that I should be on some kind of anti-psychotic medication. This isn’t funny anymore, I need it to stop. Why did I commit to listening through? Why are they trying so hard to sound American? American girls love British guys because they have absolutely no idea what real British guys sound like and think they’re all princes. Keep the British accent and the bad teeth, it makes you exotic. Fun fact: the next song is exactly the same length as this one, at three minutes and twenty six seconds (of auditory hell).

Save You Tonight

There’s still another approximately 20 minutes left of this tripe. Another lousy attempt at dance music so they can get played in clubs. This album is so predictable I could turn it off and just make up stuff for the last five tracks after this. But I won’t, because I should at least try to see if there’s anything good left to squeeze out of this album.

Stole My Heart

Which idiot let me think listening to this was a good idea? If anyone wants me to listen to their second album (thank god they’ve only got two) they’re going to have to get me very drunk first. This album is on a par with Sky Sports News as far as being interesting is concerned – i.e., it’s not interesting and is basically the same thing being repeated over and over again but rephrased in a few different ways and with lots of flashing lights.

Stand Up

I’ve just gone into cold sweats because I realised I miscounted the songs left and there’s one more than I thought there was. I really don’t know if I can withstand this for much longer. This is another attempt at a sensitive, personal song, it seems. Acoustic guitars and high-pitched singing. If the lyrics are to be believed, these guys cry a lot. I don’t mind guys crying a bit, because bottling up your emotions is a really bad idea, but they seem to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Maybe bottle a little bit of it up? Probably the reason why these mystery girls don’t like you is because you keep whingeing all the time (and because you’ve got this really overbearing, controlling attitude coming over in your songs). Oh, big dramatic drums at the end to try and make it exciting. Doesn’t work.

Moments

DUN DUN DUN BADASS SONG. Or at least, badass in a PG-rated sense. Bad**s, then. So angry and angsty they might even say a swear *gasp*. Aaargh, Chris Moltesanti just got shot, and I don’t remember why. I need to start watching The Sopranos properly again, I was on series 5. I don’t know who’s singing right now, but they have a really annoying, nasal voice.

Another World

These songs last far too long. I don’t know why they bothered thinking up all these different names for them either, when they’re basically the same song sped up and slowed down every now and then. You don’t even need to rename the songs either, because if you’ve listened through till this point your brain will have forced its way out through your ears and hung itself in the corner, so you won’t be able to read the titles anyway. Haha, I’ve just remembered something else as boring as this album; The Perks Of Being A Wallflower – yeah, you know that book-then-film that everyone reads because it’s philosophical and cool and all the yoof read it and make sketches of the characters saying meaningful quotes? I lasted with that right up until he said ‘and in that moment, I swear we were infinite’, and it took effort to get that far.

Na Na Na

Forever annoyed that when you say ‘Na Na Na’ people think of One Direction as opposed to My Chemical Romance, who released their Na Na Na back in 2010. At least four of their other songs have 'na na na' somewhere in them though, so maybe they should have the same title too.

I Should Have Kissed You

Actually delighted because I thought that this one was Na Na Na, but then I realised that I’d completely forgotten to listen to that one and it slipped by without me noticing. I told you I didn't even need to hear the rest of the album. The only comment I have for it is one I put in before I even pressed play on the album. Come on, one minute left . . . come on, finish pleeeassseee . . . THE END IS IN SIGHT, THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

Oh, thank the lord below for that, it's finally over. I think, even without actually looking at the songs as individuals, the fact that I had to actually try to finish listening to the album shows that erm . . . well, to hell with diplomacy, One Direction deserve none of the awards they've been given. Have they been given awards? I really hope they haven't been given awards, but I bet there'll be some twelve-year-old ugg-wearer somewhere out there who's blackmailed some judges into letting them win.

The experiment was a fail. One Direction are just . . . no. Don't ever use them in relation to the word 'music' if you want to be taken seriously. Very generic, meaningless pop music, and although sometimes meaningless pop music is good for dancing about to, this stuff's too flat and boring and repetitive to manage that. They're really annoying songs because they try so hard to be catchy, and yet I can't even remember any because they're also incredibly forgettable. I stayed Up All Night to listen to this, too - it's half two in the morning, and that weak pun is the best thing to have come out of making the decision to do this post.