Bands You May Or May Not Have Heard Of

That title will, in future, be shortened to BYMONHHO, or to put it more phonetically, “BUM, OH NO!”. Yes, I am so calling this feature that name. That's the best name ever. I'm claiming that as a band name along with all the other shitty band names I have (to hide away alongside my shitty music blog, haha I don't even need a blog I should go into stand-up).

I decided that, so I’d have something to write about, and also to single-handedly save the music industry (because I’m also going to buy out HMV and sell CDs that people will actually buy as opposed to marketing to the illegal downloaders) and do nice stuff for bands because I love bands

I LOVE BANDS

Ahem. Anyway, because of that, I decided I would look round the internet (basically I just looked through the bands that follow me on twitter and that are lurking about on tumblr) and I would give them a listen and do a bit of a post about them, one a day. This means that, one, I get to find new bands I like

I REALLY LOVE BANDS

Two, you people who may be reading my blog on a regular basis, or are just looking by chance, may also find new bands that you like. Three, I am helping bands and I don’t know if you know this but

I LOVE BANDS.

So that’s what I’ll be doing.

Modestep - Sunlight

I just
THE SUNLIGHT HURTS MY EYEEESSS
DUNNNDUNDUDNUDNNSNFSDLGNSFLKNslnlsfknlfkGNSLKGLKGNKLNGDLGNFDLGKSNDFLKNSLG

that's what it sounds like in my head. I like this one a lot.

Leathermouth: Songs About Getting Attacked By Monsters

Leathermouth? Who is Leathermouth? What, indeed is Leathermouth, and how can I for myself? Is it an insult or a compliment?

NO. IT IS BAND. IT IS AWESOME VIOLENT SHOUTY PUNK-TYPE BAND. AAAAAARGGHHHH.

A fair few people within certain circles of the internet and music world will have heard of Leathermouth. Possibly because two of their members are Frank Iero and James Dewees, who happen to be
a) the rhythm guitarist and occasional keyboardy pianist for a certain favourite band of mine that I will not name out of respect for Frank wanting to separate this band from that one
b) the two members of Death Spells, a new crazy strange band touring, I believe, with Mindless Self Indulgence.

(the human is Frank)

The band currently consists of, to my knowledge: Frank Iero (lead vocals), James Dewees (drums/percussion), Rob Hughes (lead guitar, vocals), John McGuire (bass, vocals) and Ed Auletta (rhythm guitar).

They formed in 2007, and Frank joined after the previous lead vocalist left because he didn't write any lyrics (you had one job, man). Their one album to date, XO, was released in 2009, and I actually love it.

I love this band, firstly because their music sounds awesome - my favourite track is This Song Is About Getting Attacked By Monsters - and secondly because of Frank's lyrics, about difficult and sometimes personal topics, such as his experiences with mental health issues, the phenomenon of school shootings and this general frustration with the world and people as a whole. Quite often he writes the songs from the point of view of someone that society as a whole likes to demonise and ignore, and gives them a voice. Even when you can't understand what on earth he's saying, which is generally most of the time - in 5th Period Massacre, he's shouting "Revenge!", not "Rape me!" - they're really good songs to listen to when you want to destroy everything and drown people in their own blood. When you look at the lyrics, too, they make it even better.

"Until I opened the gym doors, you should have seen those fucks run/ I poured out a full clip, in their backs I got some/ I've finally found my smile, it's pure and bloodstained/ Who's the bitch now? I'll paint the lockers with your brain" 

- lyrics from 5th Period Massacre, about school shootings from the point of view of the attacker.

I think possibly the best story about Leathermouth is their banned song; I Am Going To Kill The President Of The United States Of America. Easy to see why the US government wasn't too fond of that one, isn't it? Written based on Frank's experiences seeing the anti-America demonstrations in countries he visited with his other band and the attitudes people there felt towards the US, it contains the lines, "Well I'd rather have my eyes sewn shut/ Than see all the shit that we've done/ And I'd rather be deaf, dumb and blind/ Than pledge allegiance to a man of your kind/ You put words in my mouth/ I'd like to put a bullet in yours". 

Frank recieved a personal visit from the secret services, warning him he face 5 years in prison if the band ever released or performed the song live again. That's pretty high up in the bad-ass ratings, I think. I wonder if Bush or Obama have ever listened to it.

Though the band is considered unlikely to be recording anything again, since several of the members apparently 'found religion', they are performing a concert at the Skate And Surf Festival 2013.

So there you go, an awesome band with the kind of music that I'd have playing to fight through a zombie apocalypse, and it all makes me so angry I'd probably survive. And then probably kill all the other humans. To finish, here's the video for Bodysnatchers 4 Ever.

(I don't know if you've noticed, but I really, really like lyrics, especially the ones in Leathermouth songs. I want them tattooed across my face and on my tongue and just rjskdf;refrelrkmff;ermf;e.)

My Terrible Fan Art: My Chemical Romance (edition 1)

So, I thought I would show you just how obsessive/creepy/bad at drawing I am, by showing you the fan art that I have done. In this case, it's my massive stash of MCR fan art that I've drawn over the last two years, most in the first six months in my initial rush of OMG MCR OMG MY LIFE OMG MCRMY OMGGGGGG MY CRYS. It can be something very beautiful that a fan does to express their love and devotion to a band, such as this:

 

(from ou812mcr2 on deviantart) 

Today, we'll start with my two Gerard Way close-ups that I did, both terrifyingly innacurate.

So this is Gerard in the Famous Last Words video. I actually drew this nearly two weeks ago, but it's taken me this long to scan it in, and that's why there's an orange juice stain on the top. As far as drawing human-like people go, this is pretty good for me, but as far as drawing Gerard Way goes, it's terrible. It's mainly the eyes and jaw I got wrong though, I think.

This, my friends, is the first ever MCR fan art I ever did. Drawn while sat in the dark (what, you can tell?) in summer 2011. It's terrible. I know. Believe me, I know what Gerard Way's face looks like, I have a total of four posters with his face on in my room, and another two with him in cartoon form. But no, this . . . erm . . . I'm sorry, Gerard. I tried.

That was edition one of my My Chemical Romance fan art (there's a lot more, believe me. I can't stop). Wooooo....

Roots Manuva - Let The Spirit

You really can't beat Roots Manuva, and this is my favourite song of his. I'd recommend listening to all of Slime And Reason.

I Need To Go To Reading And Leeds . . . And Maybe Also Slamdunk

LOOK AT THE LINE-UP THIS YEAR FOR R&L. LOOK AT IT.

THATS THE NEW STUFF. LET ME LIST EVERY BAND AND ARTIST FOR YOU BECAUSE I LIKE LISTS.

Biffy Clyro, System Of A Down, Fall Out Boy, Foals, Jake Bugg, Bring Me The Horizon, Deftones, Eminem, Alt-J, Sub Focus

various others that either haven't been announced/I can't find.

BUT LOOK. FALL OUT BOY. FFKRJGLJRLKGMFDLK. AFDdfgjslgkwerg;lkg Just Fall Out Boy would be enough but there's others, there's BMTH, there's SOAD, there's Eminem (although I don't massively like his newer stuff).

THEN LOOK AT SLAMDUNK 2013

All Time Low, Four Year Strong, The Early November, The Skints, The Wonder Years, Streetlight Manifesto, Pierce The Veil, Polar Bear Club, Woe Is Me, Sense Fail, Fireworks, The Story So Far, Memphis May Fire, Sleeping With Sirens, Andrew McMahon, Mallory Knox, The Summer Set, MC Lars, Man Overboard, Deaf Havana, We Are The Ocean, King Prawn, Allister, Transit, Me Vs Hero, The Word Alive, Our Last Night, Jonny Craig, Handguns, Hands Like Houses.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ME SEEING PTV TOO MUCH, AND THE ONLY OTHER SWS GIG I KNOW OF IS ALREADY BLOODY SOLD OUT.

I was originally wary of festivals, because I didn't like live music or fields. I'm still not a massive fan of fields, but there are now band that I like enough that I would go without washing properly for. I am quite willing to go and do the festival thing, especially since everyone keeps going 'oh my god you're young this is the time to do it it's the time to go running round in the mud in your vest and knickers' and all that. I may get Alix to go with me, if she can, because she likes all this musical stuff.

I have been to one festival. Fuji Rock Festival 2010. I have the t-shirt and towel to prove it. It was pretty awesome, and the first time I saw Muse and The Cribs live. The downside was that it was in the mountains of Naeba. In Japan. The Japanese are very friendly, but when you're 14 and it's raining so hard your shoes grip more to the ground than your feet (the amount of times I had to go back for my shoes 'cause they'd come off is ridiculous) and the only person you can actually hold a conversation with is your mum, who appears to have caught the Black Death from a really inflamed insect bite . . . kind of dampens your mood a bit. It's time, though, to try again with people who are much less friendly and organised, in a country with even worse weather.

But there's Pierce The Veil and Sleeping With Sirens and Fall Out Boy and Deaf Havana and All Time Low and Bring Me The Horizon

Do you get this

I NeED TO GO TO ONE OR BOTH.

Arctic Monkeys - Leave Before The Lights Come On

I don't know how but I forgot this song even existed, and then I found it again just now and I'm really excited that I've found it again. Plus, Paddy Considine is in the video and he's one of my favourite actors 'cause he's a nutter and he did Dead Man's Shoes and stuff. But yes, awesome song, listen listen listen.

Passion Pit - Little Secrets

I don't really listen to Passion Pit and I don't remember where I first heard this, but I really like it. It makes me want to put paint on myself and dance naked in the garden.

Songs You Need To Defend Pop Punk

(image from canyouseethesunset.com)

So I did that ‘songs you need to live’ thing the other day, and I was thinking that it was a bit too general. The songs you need differ on what you listen to. Therefore, I thought I’d try again, but with a slightly narrower selection.

This time, I’m doing The Songs You Need To Defend Pop Punk (the phrase 'defend pop punk' is apparently the slogan of the band Man Overboard who I need to listen to because bands). What’s Pop Punk? Self-explanatory – it’s the rebelliousness of punk music mixed with the daftness and shiny lights of pop. It’s a bit angsty, but not as much as other genres. It’s what – forgive me for using a very sweeping generalisation – your classical emo kid listens to when they’re happy (which, given the people that I know that would come under this mysterious ‘emo’ umbrella, actually happens quite a lot,so there). Guitars and drums and thrashing about, but in a happy, sunshine-y way (be prepared to hear those words a lot). It’s how you subversively get people into other kinds of rock music. Hopefully, when you listen to the songs you’ll understand better.

Blink 182 – Feeling This

Yes, it’s Blink 182 again. They are, however, the kings of pop punk. You say ‘pop punk’ three times in the bathroom mirror and turn the light off, when you turn it back on Mark Hoppus will be crouched in your sink. This song’s a good one, because it is a bit angsty and it’s about the typical horny teenager, but it’s all happy and bouncy at the same time. I had a phase last summer where I listened to this one about five times a day for a week straight. Then my mum said she didn’t like Blink 182, so I bought their best hits album as revenge.

All Time Low – Weightless

More people know this one than I think people would think. That sentence got away from me a bit . . . But it’s an awesome song, and I think the sort of signature song for ATL, or at least the one most people would recognise them by. It’s definitely the first song I remember hearing by them.

Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Come on, this is a brilliant song, and one of my favourites by them. You can’t say you know pop punk if you don’t know every word of this (or at least every phoneme, I don’t blame you if you can’t understand Patrick Stump). Big, loud, the kind of song everyone will dance to because everyone knows it.

The Offspring – Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)

This is just a song you need to know to live in general. If someone says “Give it to me baby” and you’re not in a porno and you don’t reply with “UH HUH, UH HUH” then you should be ashamed of yourself. Go and sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. I’m ashamed of you. You are not fly, no matter what race you are.

A Day To Remember – All I Want

Ok, maybe this one is slightly less well-known than the others (my favourite’s actually I’m Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?), but you can’t deny ADTR’s presence. They’re a formidable force, and I think the fact that they managed to get so many other bands to show up in this video proves that.

Paramore – Misery Business

Off their 2007 album Riot!, this is probably their most well-known single alongside Ignorance, but I like this one better and it’s my blog so I’ll do what I like. I am somewhat opposed to the video for its slightly sexist edge – oh, the girl’s make up has been wiped off, look how much she was wearing ‘cause she’s the baddy in this and only bad girls wear makeup, godddddd – but other than that it’s a good one, and a catchy song (I don’t like saying the word ‘catchy’, I feel like a bad 80s DJ).

Green Day – American Idiot

I kind of wanted to put Basket Case here, but this is supposed to be about the songs that you absolutely need to know and, although you really should know quite a lot of Green Day’s songs because they’re massive, everybody knows American Idiot. Everybody. I was at a party and this song came on and everybody sang it. My nana was in the room while the video for this was on TV and she said she likes a man with ‘some moves’. I’m not sure she likes men with lots of green paint all over them though.

Bowling For Soup – Girl All The Bad Guys Want

I remember hearing this one years and years ago, before I actually knew what music was, or how one ‘creamed over tough guys’ (can I just say, why do they bleep out ‘goddamn’, but not that?). Not my absolute favourite song, but one I think it’s somewhat important to know.

Good Charlotte – Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous

Good Charlotte is one of my little sister’s favourite bands for some reason. Were all their songs this one, they’d be one of my favourites too. It’s more punk than pop, but I absolutely love this song, and the crazy hair.

Panic! At The Disco – I Write Sins Not Tragedies

I keep saying this, but everyone knows this one. My friend Ryan knows this one and he normally listens to Adele and stuff. But come on, it’s like the scenekid national anthem – stupidly long song title that has some deep, clever meaning that I haven’t figured out yet, similarly long-winded lyrics that still manage to be awesome.

There you go. Now, go forth and defend pop punk! Learn guitar and make boob jokes! Wear tight jeans and hair gel and take your top off on stage! Change your name to Tom Hoppus-Gaskarth! It’s 2:30am and that’s why I’m shouting!

A Day To Remember - I'm Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?

My favourite song by A Day To Remember. It's so . . . I just like when it kicks in and he's screaming and it's so frantic and I really shouldn't be allowed on the internet at ten to two in the morning because I'm basically high off pop punk and if I listen to this song again I'm going to kick through a wall.
But it's a really good song and you should give it a listen.

Dizzee Rascal - Bassline Junkie

It's not a particularly deep and meaningful song unless you, yourself are also a bassline junkie, but I like it and the video's brilliant :D

A glowing review of the blog.

Why You Should Love Without A Face

My friend Hannah does this thing where she finds bands that are big in certain areas (not those areas), or new, or haven't even written any music yet, and she fangirls over them. A lot. I like quite a lot of bands, but I don't know how she remembers all these different people.
Anyway, she likes to show these bands to all her friends, which sometimes works and . . . more often, I think, doesn't, because some of these bands are just a bit too weird. We all had her singing Evelyn Evelyn's 'You Only Want Me 'Cause You Want My Sister' throughout pretty much all of summer 2011, and I did end up sat in Piccadilly one day, wearing a sparkly Halloween mask and singing it with her (well, she was singing the song and I was singing my version; It's Not My Fault I'm The Sexy Sister).

One such band that Hannah showed me was one called Without A Face. It's a band with only one member, Henry Dillard, a Texan guy with the fluffiest hair you will ever see (when he grows it long). I'm not sure which song she showed me first - I think it was Lactose Intolerance - but pretty soon I was hooked. Now, he's actually one of my favourite artists.
The thing about Without A Face is that he's a really talented songwriter (didn't see that one coming, did you?) and, when he's making one of his daft songs - see The TSA Song, which is also probably my favourite of all his songs - he has this very witty sense of humour that he manages to incorporate into it. Plus, he can do an awesome rap.
Henry's been around for a while now, and has quite a lot of stuff out there on his various albums: Worst Debut Album Ever; The 1st Album Was Better; 5 Songs; Oh, Great, An Election; and his newest album, The American Scheme. The earlier albums have more of his daft stuff than anything serious, whereas Oh, Great, An Election (that has to be the best name for an EP ever) and The American Scheme are pretty dark - for him - and meaningful and full of the feeling of disillusionment with this whole idea of the American Dream (that's what it is to me, at least, and I'm too shy to ask him).
What's also great is that he's involved with his fans.He responds to you on twitter, and occasionally does so on his youtube as well. Best of all are his online concerts, usually held on the last Wednesday of every month (although he's on a break until March) at about 8pm EST. Unfortunately that means that, if you're British like me, you have to stay up all night, but they're really worth it. He sounds just as good live as recorded, takes requests and will answer questions right then and there, even if it's one of my stupid questions like 'which shampoo do you use?'. It's also the nearest I've ever been to any celebrity's kitchen, even though several of his music videos were recorded in there too (such as Druggie Love, which is an awesome song).
So there you go. He's got a cracking voice, lovely hair and some amazing songs.
WE WANT A UK TOUR.
Here's five of my favourite songs that I haven't already mentioned in the post:
Miserably Privileged
Pigs
Booty
Earthlings
Republicratic Gang
**
Without A Face on iTunes
Without A Face on Soundcloud

I'm going to do another experiment

And for it I need people to recommend some good tunes from before the year 1900. Comment with them or summat :)

Parkway Drive - Dark Days

This one got me into Parkway Drive - this and Winston McCall's appearance on 'Time Is Money' by You Me At Six.

Black Veil Brides - God Bless You

It's all very dramatic, but I'm actually quite liking some of BVB's later stuff. I'm curious to hear Wretched And Divine: The Story Of The Wild Ones.

An Experiment - Black Veil Brides, We Stitch These Wounds

(I could never spend that long getting ready, I'd just get bored and forget to paint one side of my face)

If you’ve read an issue of Kerrang! Magazine, then you know who Black Veil Brides are. I don’t remember where they came from, but very suddenly they were here, there and everywhere, painting themselves stripy and being very melodramatic and making people either love them or hate them. I don’t personally know anyone who loves them, and in fact am probably endangering my life because if Alix finds out I’m listening to BVB, she will throttle me.  However, I’m going to be naughty and do it anyway, for the same reason I did the One Direction experiment – a lot of people like them, so can I find what’s there to like (aside from Andy Biersack being fit as, obviously, but that’s nothing to do with the quality of their music)? This time, however, I’ve picked a group that’s closer to the genres of music I actually listen to, so it might not hurt my head as much.

I’ll be going through their debut album, We Stitch These Wounds, although their second one seems to be much more recognised. The album cover for this kind of annoys me, because it's just Andy Biersack (vocals), when it's not only him in the band. I don't like it when they just idolise the singer and ignore everyone else. But, ignoring the vanity, I shall give it a listen. The love/hate had to start somewhere, right?

The Outcasts (Call To Arms)

Just an intro, I think. It sounds like from the inside of a placenta. You don't want to know how I know that.

We Stitch These Wounds

Oooh big guitar riff, very fancy. I think it’s a riff? I don’t know. But so far it’s nice. Wow, this guy has a deeper voice than you’d expect. This song’s not as big as I thought it would be from the first few seconds – I was expecting more explosions, you know? This sounds like being angry in someone’s living room. It’s alright though. Kind of boring. Is it that it’s boring though, or is my concentration just that short? His voice is really creeping me out though. I feel kind of like it doesn’t really fit the music, especially not the sudden screechy bit. It doesn’t all seem to fit together; it’s like a sort of collage of screamo, rock and metal, but not by someone who does a lot of collages. It’s just a lot quieter than it should be.

Beautiful Remains

Oh, this sounds promising. No. No, it’s let me down. They do this thing where they’ve got a pretty cool intro and you expect some big massive song, and it’s just . . . not massive. This sounds more together than the first one, though, although Biersack still doesn’t sound quite right with the rest of it. He’s got a very weird voice. The song doesn’t really grab your attention, but it’s alright in the background. This one goes on a bit though. It just doesn’t really sound like they’re putting all their effort in, but if they did, it’d be awesome.

Children Surrender

Ooh, they’re getting better with the starts. This sounds like another promising one . . . is it? . . . it’s getting there, they’re working on getting the rest of the song up to the same standard. The screaming feels kind of like they’re just putting it in because they can, though, and not because it’s appropriate at that point (which it isn’t, I don’t think). They keep doing these sort of bridge bits that sound like they’re going to build up to something really big, and then you get the chorus and it’s just not big enough. Like, it’s nice, but it needs to be BOOM WOW AWESOME IT BURNED MY HEAD OFF

Perfect Weapon

I do like a song that starts with screaming. Or not . . . this is too slow. I want faster and angrier . . . It really does feel like they’re not trying hard enough, and it’s infuriating, because you can hear that all the songs so far would be kickass if they really went to it, but they’re just coasting along on 5/10 effort (that was the 666^th word) when they need to be doing like 20/10 for a first album, and then find more and more effort. The songs are sounding more together as the album goes on though. Does anything I say make sense? I feel like I’m just typing the first thing that comes into my head here, and I don’t know if it sounds like a real critique or not. Ugh, do they need this guitar solo? Is it really necessary? I loathe unnecessary guitar solos.

Knives And Pens

These songs are all sounding a bit same-y to me, like none are really standing out from the others. Like, I’m not really picking up on the lyrics or anything. They’re not songs that make me curious to try them again in case they grow on me. This one’s just more of the same, just singing, a bit of screaming, half-hearted chorus, guitar solo . . . blah.

The Mortician’s Daughter

Oh, a different sounding one. Acoustic. Mmm, doesn’t really suit his voice though, it makes him sound more nasal. It’s still kind of boring, but it’s different and I think I’d want to listen to this one again. It’s a nice relief from all the other ‘look mum, I can shred’ type ones. Aaah, nice.

All Your Hate

Oh god, the angst is back. Are they going to go anywhere with this? YES! THEY’RE GETTING IT, THEY’RE ACTUALLY SORT OF GETTING IT. Yes, it’s looking up now, actually. I’ve figured out what my problem with the others was. There was sort of a lot of empty space in them where there could have been loud noises, and they’ve sorted that out a bit here, which is good. They’re putting a bit more effort in, about 7/10. Yep, aside from the still-unnecessary screaming and the fecking guitar solo, this one’s another good one. I’d listen to this one again.

Heaven’s Calling

Can they keep up the good work? Yes, it looks like they can. I’m finally starting to get excited about this album. They’re finally getting into their stride here. I feel like the effort’s gone down a little bit again, but there’s still more there than the stuff before The Mortician’s Daughter. I just don’t like the screaming. I feel like if you’re going to put it in the way they’re putting it in these songs, you need an extra singer, like Sean Smith in The Blackout. I suppose I may as well let them off on the guitar solos a bit though, since it’s that style of music. It just gets a bit annoying, because it’s not like being able to play guitar’s a rare skill. Being a douchebag about it certainly isn’t.

Never Give In

OOOOHH,  I LIKE THIS ONE, IT ACTUALLY SOUNDS A BIT DIFFERENT TO THE OTHERS OH MY GOD THIS IS ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD I FEEL LIKE THE CAPS ARE MAKING ME SOUND MORE PLEASED THAN I AM BUT I’M JUST REALLY SURPRISED BY HOW THEY’VE SUDDENLY STARTED REALLY GOING FOR IT. Yes, I like this one, it’s good. The music and the lyrics and Andy Biersack’s weird voice actually all fit together in this. Yep, this one’s good. I’m beginning to get that feeling you get when you find a new band to listen to. Aaaahahaahah I’m quite pleased with this. Yessss, NEVER BACK DOWN.

Sweet Blasphemy

Aah brilliant, brilliant, they’re actually doing yet another different-sounding song. They’re breaking away from whatever they were doing with the first few songs. This is starting to sound more dark and dramatic, but it’s sounding more like they know what they’re doing. However, this one’s bored me slightly without me realising. I forgot it was playing. It’s still pretty good though. I’d try it again. They’re not just relying on the same old stuff they seem to have been told would work.

Carolyn

And another acoustic – oh no, there’s electric guitars in there too. Intriguing. Oh no, we’re going more electric. Those aren't bad 'oh no's though. I feel like this should be the soundtrack to some kind of romcom scene where they go running about in the rain on a cliff (I don’t watch romcoms). I like this one, it’s good. However, on the chorus, I feel like he should be really belting it out and he’s not. I just like it when people belt things out. This is their Sad Song. It’s a nice one to end the album on, but kind of. . . I feel like this song is, again, supposed to be really big and wowwy, and like fireworks to end the album on, and they’ve not quite managed to do that.

So there we go. We Stitch These Wounds. An alright album, and better towards the end, definitely. However, it’s about a B- for effort, and I’m not sure why it made all the fuss that it did, because there’s nothing there that’s really spectacular. However, I find myself listening to some of their later stuff as I'm editing it, and they are a band I could listen to again. Over time they seem to have themselves figured out a lot better. So yes, maybe not the best debut album out there, but it's alright.

Muse - Hysteria

Because I really love this song and it has sexy bass bits in it.

Songs You Need To Know To Live

There are certain songs that I think you need to know nowadays to be able to live. No, I don’t mean songs that I really like and think are awesome and everybody should hear, and I don’t mean songs everybody necessarily likes. It’s the songs you just need to know because they are the Songs That Everybody Knows. I was thinking about this because I was considering making a CD of some of these songs for my little sister, so that she will be able to survive in the outside world, and I’ve been trying to work out which songs they actually are. Here are ten (in no particular order):

1) Michael Jackson – Thriller

Obvious. Everybody knows Thriller. Everyone knows the dance . . . sort of. (God, I wish I could do the dance properly). Say what you like about MJ, but he could dance. It’s the default Halloween song, but it’ll come up at a lot of other get-togethers anyway.

2) Blink 182 – All The Small Things

Come on, everyone knows it, and I bet you’ve got Tom Delonge’s voice going round your head now (seriously, what on earth is that accent). I don’t even remember why, but my entire maths class was singing this once. I think it was to cover up the sound of this one girl who was trying to sing it as some warbly power ballad and was absolutely murdering it. Anyway, pretty much everyone knows this one.

3) Oasis – Wonderwall

I don’t particularly like Oasis, but you can’t really deny their ability to make very memorable songs. For me, this one brings back firstly my Year 11 prom last summer, when, towards the end of the evening the DJ put it on and everyone in the year got together on the dance floor and sang along, and the teachers got really emotional. Secondly, it brings back one of my friends who, back in Year 8 on an own clothes day thought it’d be a brilliant idea to dress up as Noel Gallagher. I still don’t know his reasoning for it. I've got it playing now and I automatically have this urge to sway and sing along in the broadest Manc accent I can manage.

4) Dexys Midnight Runners – Come On Eileen

I’m not sure how often this one comes up in the US or other countries, but at probably every single family do I’ve been to here, there will come a point in the evening, usually when everyone’s smashed, when they will play this song and everyone will sing along and it’s just cemented in my head as A Tune You Must Have At Parties. They played it at Aquatica for some reason while I was there last summer, and you could see every single British person in there pricking up their cultural ears and singing along (what on earth do cultural ears look like?).

5) Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg – The Next Episode

I don’t know, is this a bit of a random choice? Everyone I know knows this one. They don’t know the words, but they know when to chime in with ‘lalalalala, it’s the motherfuckin’ D-O-double-G’, and that’s all you need to shuffle your way through any song.

6) Bob Marley – Three Little Birds

Everybody knows Bob Marley (sadly not personally), and everyone knows most of his major songs, like I Shot The Sherriff, which is what I was originally going to put here, but Three Little Birds just seemed more right. Everybody knows it, whether it’s people who just like reggae, people like me who got made to sing it in primary school after they remembered they weren’t a Christian school and stopped making us sing hymns, or if you happen to listen to him because he’s the first thing you generally think of when you heard the word ‘weed’ so you use him to show off your lifestyle.

7) Europe - The Final Countdown

(suggested by my friend Ryan)

This has been used for everything. Ever. I don’t know how they created frantic deadline-meeting montages before this song existed. I don’t know how they ever built up tension before this song. How does one count down to a big event without The Final Countdown? It is THE final countdown. The countdown of all countdowns. You just try to have any big event with some kind of deadline and see if this isn’t used. I dare you. And if you don’t use it, you will have that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is very, very wrong.

8) Arctic Monkeys – When The Sun Goes Down

Again, this is just what I see as essential songs from what I know of the world, and from what I know of the world, with pretty much everyone I’ve ever met, if you go up to them and say “And I’ve seen him with girls of the night, and he told Roxanne to put on her red light. They’re all infected, but he’ll be alright, ‘cause he’s a scumbag, don’t you know?” I can pretty much guarantee that they will shout back “BUTHESASCUMBADDONTYOUKNOW” and then start thrashing about. Arctic Monkeys haven’t been around massively long, and their newer stuff’s not really that good, but everyone knows the singles from the first two albums.

9) Destiny’s Child – Bootylicious

Come onnnnnnnn. I grew up watching this one on MTV, never quite grasping the concept of ‘bootyliciousness’, but still knowing it was an awesome song. I’m still not ready for the jelly. Just imagine if one day you opened the door and it was Beyonce, and she was there ‘cause you’d offended one of her friends. She’d beat the shit out of you. She would destroy you. I just know that you should never, ever take on Beyonce in a fight. And that’s why this song is here; to appease Beyonce and the other two.

10) The Cure – Friday I’m In Love

I was considering putting The Smiths here, but then I remembered this song. I love this one. It’s the one that got me into The Cure, because someone left me alone on New Year’s Eve a few years ago with Singstar, and I was just doing this song over and over. This one is just necessary. It’s just a very needed song. I don’t quite know how to express how much I love this song in words, aside from using the song itself. Aaaah, listen to it, it's lovely.

Bring Me The Horizon - It Never Ends

I've not been listening to BMTH that long, but so far this one's my favourite song. Very dramatic and shouty and raarrrrr (I'm sorry, I'm not good at articulating with stuff I really like. Just wait till I post something else about My Chem).

Why Band T-Shirts Are Sacred

(I don’t think this is the first time I’ve found myself going on about this, but it’s relevant to the blog, so I’m doing it again.)

Normally, I don’t really care what people wear. I’m allowed to think you’re dressed like an idiot (looking at you, people who wear onesies in public), but you are allowed to go around dressed like an idiot without my criticism, because it’s opinion, not fact (although I’d say when it comes to onesies, that’s debatable. You’re grown adults wearing babygros.) and in general, it’s not doing harm. However, there are two things where I will make an objection. The first is those t-shirts, worn primarily men, showing some page 3-style spread of a girl all oiled up with just a pair of socks on and looking surprised that somehow her humongous tits have just burst out and all she has to protect her modesty are her hands, because it’s promoting misogyny and the objectification of women. 

The second is people wearing band t-shirts as a fashion statement.

This is primarily a problem with mainstream and hipster fashion – and let me get this straight first, this is aimed at the people who don’t listen to the bands, so if you do happen to listen to the bands on your t-shirts, this isn’t aimed at you – where they put on a Guns’n’Roses or a Billy Talent t-shirt because it looks a bit badass, and makes them look all cool and rock’n’roll. If you want that kind of look, buy a top with a skull on it or something, that works just as well.

The reason why I object to this is because within the subculture that I seem to be involved in – let’s just call it rock and metal for now because if you look into the genres I listen to it sprouts up all these weird names like 'post-hardcore' and stuff – we really feel attached to our bands. I’m not saying this doesn’t happen with other genres of music, but we really really love our bands. Take the My Chemical Romance bandom, for example – we could probably write a highly accurate biography of each individual band member just from information we can remember off the tops of our heads, and this is with a band that has been known to have secret babies (Frank Iero managed to hide his wife’s second pregnancy from a bandom that managed to find his old myspace alias). We have a very deep connection with these bands and their music because, quite often you’ll find that they’ve gotten us through some very tough times. My two favourite bands helped save my life, and that’s something you hear a lot within this subculture. I could go on just about that, but then there’s enough there for a whole other post that I will probably do at some point.

But yes, we really feel attached to these bands. We worship them. We listen to their music every day, we hunt through HMV (or not, as the case may be . . .) and any other record/CD shop we can find to get hold of their discography in physical format and get hold of every bonus track and live version of their songs that it is possible to get hold of. We will draw fan art for hours and hours (I do need to show you all the many, many pictures I have drawn for MCR) and we will learn instruments purely so we can play their songs. So when you go and wear the t-shirt of a band like that, and you don’t even listen to them, it kind of feels like you’re trivialising them, like you’re missing the most important part about the band, which is their music and how they help people, just because they have an awesome logo.

(yeah, we've got some pretty cool band t-shirts)

Another reason is that they’re like our mating calls. We wear band t-shirts in public to find new friends and such, because it’s an instant conversation starter; “Oh, that’s an awesome Pierce The Veil top you’ve got there,” “Thanks, I got it at their September 2012 gig. Did you go?” “Ah, yes I did! It was awesome!” etc. For the average socially awkward teenager on the prowl (or the lurk-in-the-corner, if we’re going for accuracy here), having a fall-back like that’s good. So it’s really disconcerting for people when they see someone with a Black Sabbath top on, and they try to start a conversation and realise the person has no idea who Black Sabbath are, beyond that they’re mentioned occasionally in connection with Ozzy Osbourne (fun fact: I used to think he owned the Usbourne publishing company for several years before I noticed the spelling difference).

We really do take this stuff seriously, you know. I got a Slipknot hoodie for Christmas and I’m still nervous about wearing it in public in case I don’t know enough about the band to justify wearing it – not to look cool, but because I’d feel like I was offending people if I went round wearing it for fun.

Sure, you may be thinking, but is any of this true? You can’t know that people don’t listen to the bands. Yes I can. I know. You can tell by the way people act towards visible fans (no I’m not going on about all that ‘real fans’ rubbish, you’re a fan if you listen to the band and like them). I was in Pulp a while back, and these girls came in and were like ‘oh my god where are the Slipknot t-shirts’ while stood right in front of the Slipknot t-shirts. Usually, if you have listened to a band you will be able to spot their logo when it is splashed across a load of t-shirts in bright red, right? Then, not moments later this group of people came in and one of them said ‘OH GOD WHERE ARE THE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE T SHIRTS HAHAHA IM SO EMO’ and gave me (who was wearing an MCR t-shirt at the time) a really dirty look. Just no. No no no.

Of course, there is a way to get round this. Listen to the band. Just listen to the released singles if you aren’t a massive, massive fan, but at least give them a try – you never know, you might find some new music you like. If you don’t like them, then don’t wear the t-shirt.

I think, to argue both points, there is an element of elitism involved in this attitude. I myself just think that, as long as you actually listen to the band on a somewhat regular basis and you can name a couple of songs, you're a fan and you can wear the t-shirt. I'm against them being used solely as a fashion statement and to look a bit 'alternative' and interesting. However, there are some people that do expect you to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of every single band you show support to in public, and bring out this 'real fan' thing where they say you can't be a real fan because you discovered them through this album, but they've been there since waaaayyyy back. That's just unfair, because you discover the band when you discover them. What about Green Day fans? Green Day's been around longer than some of their fans have, but it doesn't mean they like the band less, it means they've had to play a bit of catch-up.

There's also a bit of sexism involved too, because quite often when people are criticised for wearing a band t-shirt when they 'probably don't even listen', it's a girl, when obsession with image and fashion transcends sex and gender. Actually, if you're going into stereotypes, then there's even more proof that boys do it as well - boys are generally 'supposed' to end up doing really stupid things to get attention from the opposite - or same - sex, and yet it's still girls that are told off for wearing the t-shirts for attention.

So there you go. If you're one of the people that wears band t-shirts purely for the fashion, I'm not saying never do it, I'm saying maybe give it a bit of thought next time, because this stuff really matters to some people.

An Experiment: One Direction, Up All Night

(ooh look we're in spaaaaceeeee)

Unless you’re really, really out of touch with pop culture, I don’t really need to introduce One Direction. However, just in case you are:

Formed on the X Factor a couple of years ago, didn’t win but proved my theory that the recipe for instant success in the music industry is ‘teenage boy + Clearasil + friends + v-necks + sincere expression + songs about kissing=£££££’, as they pretty much surpassed any other act that’s ever been on the show full-stop, purely by riding on a tide of pre-pubescent, impressionable girl hormones (and adult lady hormones, after that Caroline Flack debacle). Their fans seem to be incredibly insecure and worry we might forget their existence, which is why the incredibly annoying, incessant Twitter trends like ‘we love you Harry Styles (insert other member’s name here’ or something along that vein. Fans have also lost favour with the rock and metal community after mass criticism and bullying of the late Suicide Silence singer Mitch Lucker and his five-year-old daughter Kenadee (that’s a rant for another time, but really don’t fuck with Kenadee, 'cause there’s a lot of bands and fans willing to rip out your throat to ensure that little girl’s happiness). Yes, the fans are not the group, but I would have hoped that they would recognise their influence over people and perhaps tweet that it's not ok to send death threats to a child, especially not one whose dad has just died. Just don't send death threats full-stop, but you see what I mean, right?

That, quite obviously, is kind of a biased summary. I will admit I don’t carry a favourable impression of the group, and I turn the radio off whenever their songs happen to be played. That’s why this post is going to be an experiment. I’m going to go and listen to their first album, Up All Night, all the way through, to see what I think. Maybe my opinion will change. Maybe my eyes will burst and I will be driven to despair by the fact that such ‘music’ has so much power over my peers. Won’t know until I try though, will I? I’m already nervous.

What Makes You Beautiful

Their first single, or the first one I remember hearing at least. “You’re insecure/don’t know what for” I know what for. It’s the patriarchy reinforcing unrealistic and downright impossible beauty ideals on both men and women. Ohhhhh dancy dancy chorus. I could do some stupid stuff to this. They’re definitely very enthusiastic when they’re singing. I worry if hair flipping overwhelms them. There’s a lot of chorus in this, not much meaning, and it’s getting boring. I like the chorus to be something you build up to, not the whole song. If you want the same line over and over you just take it from a song and sample it into a dance track, don’t actually sing a whole song with the same two verses again and again. However, it is quite a nice, happy track.

Gotta Be You

I think I’ve heard this one before at some point, but I only remember a very high pitched ‘oooooooo’ sound, so this one’s got a blank slate. Oh, nice, violins, very dramatic. ‘Anointed’ – someone’s let them loose on a dictionary. Aaah, there’s the high-pitched ‘oooooo’. This seems to have a very similar message in it to the first song; the kind of ‘you are a very special girl and I did something stupid but why don’t you like me’ one. The rest of it doesn’t really say owt though, it’s just words picked to rhyme, not speak. Ooh, is that a harmony? That’s a serious question because I don’t know music. Is this their song for when they stand in a line and do a simultaneous arm sweep at the chorus? Again, a bit too much chorus for my liking.

One Thing

Sounds like a jingle for a local radio station. He’s tried playing it cool, but when he’s looking at you (he gets a boner because that’s what teenage boys do). Dancy dancy chorus again. They need that one thing, and you have it, and I’m pretty sure it’s your vagina. Oh god, they’re climbing the walls WHAT ARE THEY STALKERS? “Something’s gotta give” – this is starting to sound like a friendzone song; “I’ve been really nice to you so can we have sex now because that’s how mixed sex friendships work/lol what does platonic mean”. There’s also the same ‘ooh you are special girl special special magic girl’ message as the previous songs, and AGAIN TOO MUCH BLOODY CHORUS. It’s almost like you’ve had these songs be specifically designed to have a very obvious catchy hook so they sell more.  . .

More Than This

This appears to be their first serious/sitting-on-a-bar-stool song. Woaaaahh there why’s it suddenly turned into dance music? Ow. No, I don’t like that. Stick to sincere-sounding guitars or dance, don’t do both, it’s just weird and it doesn’t sound nice. Their voices sound weird in this too, like they’re trying to slide into an American accent. Wooaah there, ‘when he lays you down’? Chill out there and stay out of this mystery girl’s sex life. Maybe you are dying inside, but that’s what you get for climbing her walls and being generally obsessive. Give her some privacy. That’s probably why she’s letting him lay her down instead of you. Anyway, the music – chorus. Can’t even be arsed saying it again. I really don’t like this one though, because of the overpowering ‘I should have more say over your love life’ message.

Up All Night

Woaaahhhh there boys, you’re supposed to be squeaky clean, right? Your demographic doesn’t even do Up Past Eleven, let alone the rest of the evening. Ooh, now you’ve got the idea, stick to just dance music type stuff – well I say ‘dance’ music, what I mean is that you’ve got more electricky noises. I’m actually dancing to this one. S’alright actually. So far, this one’s my favourite. Sounds kind of like they were listening to a lot of Katy Perry when they had this one written – they’ve even mentioned her in the bridge bit. IT’S THE SEX REFERENCE AGAIN CHILL OUT. IT WORKED FOR BUSTED, IT DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU. This is quite bizarre cause I’ve got The Sopranos on mute on the TV, so now it’s got a really surreal soundtrack and it looks like Paulie Walnuts is singing the song. Oh, they want to jump, not hump. That’s good, remember your target market doesn’t even like sex yet – actually, scratch that, I have, unfortunately, accidentally stumbled across 1D porn in the past and there’s … just no. It’s written by very horny young girls whose only experience of sex appears to be a diagram of the reproductive system and overheard snippets of 18-rated films.

I Wish

Here we go again with the ‘you’re with the wrong guy/friendzone’ thing again. And don’t try to pretend you’re shy, you’ve got more power than the government. This is their deep, sad song, isn’t it? It’s not really grabbing me. That’s a problem with a lot of the songs so far, they’re lacking in meaning and they don’t really sound good enough to make up for it, so after the first chorus I’m bored and I want to skip to the next song. This is actually so boring I’ve been editing the rest of the article while I’m waiting for this one to finish, because I’m supposed to be giving the whole album a proper go. Yawn.

Tell Me A Lie

‘Dance’ ‘music’ again. I say that in separate quotes ‘cause it’s not really dance and it’s not really music. So far, this one’s pretty boring too. Oh no, I like the bit just before the chorus. This seems to be going along the ‘no means yes’ line, too – oh no, you do want me, and you can say you don’t all you like, but I refuse to believe you. It’s not really interesting me though, and I’m more bothered by Tony Soprano’s terrible beige and cream short-sleeved jumper than the song. Oh, thank god, it’s over. I didn’t even notice most of that song happening.

Taken

The Rebound Song. This is also really boring. I forgot I was supposed to be listening, and not just because I have terrible concentration. Mediocre attempts to create funny captions for cat pictures are more entertaining than this. Ugh, there’s another two minutes left of this? Jesus Christ. Booorrrriinnnnggggggggggggg. Maybe if it was faster it’d be better? Maybe if it was shorter? Like, 20 seconds long?

I Want

Oooh, dramatic musical number. Ok, they’re all musical numbers, but you’d get it if you listened to it. It sounds like something you tap dance across a stage to. Oh, stick a little bit of guitar in there so you sound rock’n’roll. This album is really boring me though. Can I stop listening yet? There’s no depth to the songs, nothing to sort of think about. The music doesn’t conjure up any images in my head and the lyrics just make them sound like douchebags.

Want doesn’t get.

AaaaaAAAAaAAAargh, there’s another eight songs after this. Eight? Jesus wept, somebody save me. This song sounds exactly like all the others so far. I wonder if you did a word cloud of the song lyrics of this album, how often would the word ‘you’ come up? They must have said it more than ‘want’ and ‘eyes’. They’re definitely trying to sound American in this. Oh hey, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this episode, Richie’s still alive and he’s with Janice Soprano. Damn, she looks good in this one. Another minute left of the song and there’s nothing of enough substance in it to mention. Am I into the wrong kind of stuff to review this properly, or are the songs just that shit? You decide.

Everything About You

My ears are starting to bleed. I’m trying to see merit in these songs, but they’re just the same songs all the time. Same music, same lyrics, same messages of ‘this is what I’ve heard heartbreak sounds like but I’m more concerned about if this will sell well than if any of this makes sense and strikes a chord with listeners’. This is making me want to bang my head on the table. How do so many people like this stuff? It’s too boring to be the kind of music you really listen to, but it’s too annoying to be on in the background. Verse, chorus, chorus, chorus, verse, chorus, pause, more emotional chorus.

Same Mistakes

My brain hurts. Working out how this kind of pseudo-music sells so much is more difficult than trigonometry. I dropped maths, but I’m listening to this album by choice. This is more proof than anything that I should be on some kind of anti-psychotic medication. This isn’t funny anymore, I need it to stop. Why did I commit to listening through? Why are they trying so hard to sound American? American girls love British guys because they have absolutely no idea what real British guys sound like and think they’re all princes. Keep the British accent and the bad teeth, it makes you exotic. Fun fact: the next song is exactly the same length as this one, at three minutes and twenty six seconds (of auditory hell).

Save You Tonight

There’s still another approximately 20 minutes left of this tripe. Another lousy attempt at dance music so they can get played in clubs. This album is so predictable I could turn it off and just make up stuff for the last five tracks after this. But I won’t, because I should at least try to see if there’s anything good left to squeeze out of this album.

Stole My Heart

Which idiot let me think listening to this was a good idea? If anyone wants me to listen to their second album (thank god they’ve only got two) they’re going to have to get me very drunk first. This album is on a par with Sky Sports News as far as being interesting is concerned – i.e., it’s not interesting and is basically the same thing being repeated over and over again but rephrased in a few different ways and with lots of flashing lights.

Stand Up

I’ve just gone into cold sweats because I realised I miscounted the songs left and there’s one more than I thought there was. I really don’t know if I can withstand this for much longer. This is another attempt at a sensitive, personal song, it seems. Acoustic guitars and high-pitched singing. If the lyrics are to be believed, these guys cry a lot. I don’t mind guys crying a bit, because bottling up your emotions is a really bad idea, but they seem to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Maybe bottle a little bit of it up? Probably the reason why these mystery girls don’t like you is because you keep whingeing all the time (and because you’ve got this really overbearing, controlling attitude coming over in your songs). Oh, big dramatic drums at the end to try and make it exciting. Doesn’t work.

Moments

DUN DUN DUN BADASS SONG. Or at least, badass in a PG-rated sense. Bad**s, then. So angry and angsty they might even say a swear *gasp*. Aaargh, Chris Moltesanti just got shot, and I don’t remember why. I need to start watching The Sopranos properly again, I was on series 5. I don’t know who’s singing right now, but they have a really annoying, nasal voice.

Another World

These songs last far too long. I don’t know why they bothered thinking up all these different names for them either, when they’re basically the same song sped up and slowed down every now and then. You don’t even need to rename the songs either, because if you’ve listened through till this point your brain will have forced its way out through your ears and hung itself in the corner, so you won’t be able to read the titles anyway. Haha, I’ve just remembered something else as boring as this album; The Perks Of Being A Wallflower – yeah, you know that book-then-film that everyone reads because it’s philosophical and cool and all the yoof read it and make sketches of the characters saying meaningful quotes? I lasted with that right up until he said ‘and in that moment, I swear we were infinite’, and it took effort to get that far.

Na Na Na

Forever annoyed that when you say ‘Na Na Na’ people think of One Direction as opposed to My Chemical Romance, who released their Na Na Na back in 2010. At least four of their other songs have 'na na na' somewhere in them though, so maybe they should have the same title too.

I Should Have Kissed You

Actually delighted because I thought that this one was Na Na Na, but then I realised that I’d completely forgotten to listen to that one and it slipped by without me noticing. I told you I didn't even need to hear the rest of the album. The only comment I have for it is one I put in before I even pressed play on the album. Come on, one minute left . . . come on, finish pleeeassseee . . . THE END IS IN SIGHT, THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

Oh, thank the lord below for that, it's finally over. I think, even without actually looking at the songs as individuals, the fact that I had to actually try to finish listening to the album shows that erm . . . well, to hell with diplomacy, One Direction deserve none of the awards they've been given. Have they been given awards? I really hope they haven't been given awards, but I bet there'll be some twelve-year-old ugg-wearer somewhere out there who's blackmailed some judges into letting them win.

The experiment was a fail. One Direction are just . . . no. Don't ever use them in relation to the word 'music' if you want to be taken seriously. Very generic, meaningless pop music, and although sometimes meaningless pop music is good for dancing about to, this stuff's too flat and boring and repetitive to manage that. They're really annoying songs because they try so hard to be catchy, and yet I can't even remember any because they're also incredibly forgettable. I stayed Up All Night to listen to this, too - it's half two in the morning, and that weak pun is the best thing to have come out of making the decision to do this post.

Concert Fear

The idea of a concert, in itself, is pretty simple. You go, a band plays, you dance about a lot and scream like a wild animal, with intensity variable by how much you like the band, and with optional sex and drugs to accompany your rock’n’roll, although preferably save any sex until you're at home and in private (don't be silly, wrap your willy). Loads of people manage it every day, thousands when there’s a festival, so surely it can’t be that difficult, right?

But then, what if you are, like me, a stereotypically socially awkward teenager with a paralysing fear of physical contact? How do you cope? How do you handle going into a place where you are pressed closer to complete strangers than you tend to be to your own parents on a daily basis, and where you’re going to have to talk to those strangers at some point, very confidently and very loudly. Both of those are things I don’t like doing. It’s only the past year or so that I’ve been able to order my own food in restaurants, and I still don’t have a 100% success rate with that either.

My first ‘proper’ concert was The Blackout in November 2011. I queued up for about five hours, I think. When we got in there, I ended up riiiggghhttt where all the crazy people go, and someone put their hands very deliberately in my armpits (is that a thing?). I panicked when people started going crazy, because I couldn’t move and there were strangers and that sets off my fight or flight like nothing else, although what I chose to do was cry and sway about until Hannah fell over and we got out of the way for a bit. I hung around the back of the crazy people for a bit until some idiot decided to start crowdsurfing on the back of my head and without warning me, and then just went to the back of the room and stood there swaying in a kind of trance. I only really got into the concert mood by the last two songs, so I was just about ready to dive in and start thrashing about when they finished Higher and Higher. Maybe not the best loss of concert virginity, but I did get an awesome t-shirt out of it.

The first concert where I managed to get fully into the pit  - although, given the band, it wasn’t as mental as I’ve heard some can be – was The Cribs last October. I went with a friend who is significantly shorter than me (most people are) and I was quite worried for the first half of the concert that she wasn’t really enjoying herself because she couldn’t see, but then she pulled me into the pit and made me put my hand on the back of a sweaty fat man, and it was all fine. That sounds very wrong.

I can’t say I know how it goes at other kinds of concerts, for hip-hop artists and pop groups and stuff, because the way fans treat each other seems to differ somewhat from genre to genre. However, I’d say that there are some basic rules that they all follow, which are most evident in the rock and metal genres, possibly because of the infamous MOSH PIT (dun dun dunnnn!)

Everyone knows about mosh pits. Maybe they don’t know what they’re for, but they know what they look like – lots of arms and legs and thrashing about, maybe a few people crowd-surfing over the top and inevitably falling off the back of the crowd. Sounds kind of scary. Looks quite scary too, when you go and see the absolute nutters that constitute the average pit. I am good friends with several of those types and they’re just as scary in broad daylight, possibly more so because there aren’t a load of other people leaping about around them to disguise their insanity.

Basically, though, concerts, and especially mosh pits, are very scary places if you are a noob like myself. You really love the band, you want to get in there and lose control and let out your inner fangirl and vomit glitter and hard rock all over the place, but they start playing and then there’s a load of seven-foot-tall behemoths doing an impression of particle fusion and you can’t enjoy the music because you’re absolutely terrified that you’re going to end up being crushed to death. That’s on top of the fear that anyone’s going to touch you at all, which is kind of a bummer if you’re in the middle of a crowd.

However, mosh pits do have rules – of course they do, they couldn’t happen if there were none. Of course there’s always some douchebag who doesn’t listen, but usually if you call them out then the nicer people will get them away from you. It can be a very dangerous place, and most people are understanding of that.

1. This is probably the most obvious and also the most important. If someone falls, GET THEM OUT. Lift them up, move out of the way so they can get out and get some air, help them along, draw people’s attention to them so they can help too. At one concert, I saw a girl get dragged out because she couldn’t breathe before the main act had even started. At The Blackout, my friend Hannah fell over with a load of other people, so we had to sort through them to find her. If they’re not hurt, let them go. If they are, get someone to help you get them out of the way and to some medical help.
2.  Lift people out. If they’re trying to get out of the crowd and can’t, pull them out. If they need to get help, ask them and then get people to help you surf them to the front, where the security is. If they happen to end up on stage, that’s still probably alright, because most bands are nice people and probably won’t mind a fan momentarily lying on the stage so they don’t get hurt.
3. No grabby hands. Just because someone is standing very close to you and is sweating a lot does not mean that they want you to put your hands on their boobs and/or crotch. Just because it’s a woman (gasp) in somewhat revealing clothes (GASP) at a concert (GASP) jumping about and sweating (faint) does not mean she is there for you to grope, unless she specifically comes up to you and says so – and she’s not off her face, which you should be responsible enough to judge. That’s just a general rule for when you’re out in public, but applies especially to concerts. Don’t think because it’s dark and enclosed that it’s ok. It’s not. Same goes for touching guys as well. If they don’t want it, you don’t do it.
4. Don’t fight. You’re there to dance, not to prove how macho you are.
5. Remember that it’s a mosh pit you’re going into. Don’t be one of those people who dresses up all smart in high heels and stuff for gigs if you plan on really going for it. There’s going to be people getting catapulted all over the place, and chances are they might accidentally grab your clothes to stop themselves falling, so wear light clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty, and wear comfortable shoes that won’t come off, ‘cause you’re not getting that shoe back. Don’t take bags or glasses or anything in there with you, because you’ll probably get it dropped and smashed. At the Blackout gig, my other friend Alix managed to somehow accidentally drop her phone on Hannah’s head in such a way that it bounced off and hit some girl in the face. The phone worked fine, but Alix won’t let her live it down.
6.  Help out the little people. Small people do exist and they do go to concerts (shocking, isn't it. I endured about 45 minutes of one next to a girl who was about five feet tall and insisted on talking to her boyfriend in a very loud, shrill kind of babytalk that made me want to throw her bodily into the crowd), and it’s not good when some massive guy crowdsurfs right over their head and it’s down to them to heave his buttocks off their face. If you can, pick them up and move them along. Some guy did that for me at The Cribs last October, but he also offered to buy me a drink so I think there was a hidden agenda there.
7.  DRINK LOTS OF WATER BUT DON’T PISS YOURSELF. It gets very hot in there. At the very least in the venues I’ve been to, they serve water at the bar all through the gig as a matter of health and safety, and I think it’s free. If not, it’s water – if you’re white and middle class in a rich country, like me (so basically less than 1% of the world population, if I remember correctly, and just to give this a little touch of social justice) then it’s not going to be that expensive, is it?

So there you go. Some basic, presumably obvious rules of concerts. It is somewhat comforting to know that, even though they may look like they’ve been possessed by Satan, the people in the pit are, on the whole, obeying etiquette and will swiftly remove any idiot who doesn’t.

However, there are some other things that I find have at least helped me on my various ventures deeper into the crowd. Between songs, it helps to kind of lift your head upwards to try and get a bit of air, because it does get quite hard to breathe in there. Also, reminding yourself that you are going to be in physical contact does help. Mainly, if you’re panicking a bit purely because there’s people around you, just focus on the music and go mental and you’ll find that most people will back off a bit. Also, if you go quite close to the front – mosh pits generally start a bit further back – then you’re near security, and people are a little bit more restrained. Plus, you can hang around the least popular band member. It sounds mean, and it is, but there will be one (probablythebassist) who doesn’t have as tightly packed a group of fans as the others. Apparently for MCR it’s Ray Toro, which is kind of sad cause he’s the lead guitarist and actually awesome.

Talking to strangers is something I haven’t quite worked out, but just rest assured that the main words and phrases you will need at a concert are:

• ·         Yes I’m eighteen
• ·         Excuse me
• ·         That t-shirt
• ·         Large/medium/small
• ·         OH MY GOD ITS THEM
• ·      AERGWTGWILGRJTIGJKRJRKLGJWLGJKMVRKLFMERKGWMGRKLGMEKLGMERLGM
• ·         PLAY (insert favourite song by act here)

And the last three are innate and will come out of you very loud and high-pitched, whether you want to say them or not. If they don’t then there’s something wrong with you.

So that is my attempt at 'how to survive concerts'. I am, however, still terrified by them. I'm hoping I can find some massive, lumberjack-sized friend who also likes Of Mice And Men, so that when they come back over here (they better come back over here) I can go and see them, because it seems that Austin Carlile (vocals) likes to do walls of death and they don't look like something I could do too easily. Should I get into one of those and survive, I'll tell you about it.

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(image at the top I got off google, but is apparently from insiteaustin.blogspot.com. let it not be said that I take credit for other people's pictures)

Of Mice And Men - Second And Sebring

This is the song that got me into Of Mice And Men. Apparently written by Austin Carlile (vocals/ "shouting really loud") as a tribute to his late mother and how she inspired him. Not quite similar to a lot of the other stuff they do, because of the amount that Shayley Bourget (former bassist and not shouty singer - don't ask for technical terms because I don't know them) sings in this one, but I still like it.