An Experiment: One Direction, Up All Night

(ooh look we're in spaaaaceeeee)

Unless you’re really, really out of touch with pop culture, I don’t really need to introduce One Direction. However, just in case you are:

Formed on the X Factor a couple of years ago, didn’t win but proved my theory that the recipe for instant success in the music industry is ‘teenage boy + Clearasil + friends + v-necks + sincere expression + songs about kissing=£££££’, as they pretty much surpassed any other act that’s ever been on the show full-stop, purely by riding on a tide of pre-pubescent, impressionable girl hormones (and adult lady hormones, after that Caroline Flack debacle). Their fans seem to be incredibly insecure and worry we might forget their existence, which is why the incredibly annoying, incessant Twitter trends like ‘we love you Harry Styles (insert other member’s name here’ or something along that vein. Fans have also lost favour with the rock and metal community after mass criticism and bullying of the late Suicide Silence singer Mitch Lucker and his five-year-old daughter Kenadee (that’s a rant for another time, but really don’t fuck with Kenadee, 'cause there’s a lot of bands and fans willing to rip out your throat to ensure that little girl’s happiness). Yes, the fans are not the group, but I would have hoped that they would recognise their influence over people and perhaps tweet that it's not ok to send death threats to a child, especially not one whose dad has just died. Just don't send death threats full-stop, but you see what I mean, right?

That, quite obviously, is kind of a biased summary. I will admit I don’t carry a favourable impression of the group, and I turn the radio off whenever their songs happen to be played. That’s why this post is going to be an experiment. I’m going to go and listen to their first album, Up All Night, all the way through, to see what I think. Maybe my opinion will change. Maybe my eyes will burst and I will be driven to despair by the fact that such ‘music’ has so much power over my peers. Won’t know until I try though, will I? I’m already nervous.

What Makes You Beautiful

Their first single, or the first one I remember hearing at least. “You’re insecure/don’t know what for” I know what for. It’s the patriarchy reinforcing unrealistic and downright impossible beauty ideals on both men and women. Ohhhhh dancy dancy chorus. I could do some stupid stuff to this. They’re definitely very enthusiastic when they’re singing. I worry if hair flipping overwhelms them. There’s a lot of chorus in this, not much meaning, and it’s getting boring. I like the chorus to be something you build up to, not the whole song. If you want the same line over and over you just take it from a song and sample it into a dance track, don’t actually sing a whole song with the same two verses again and again. However, it is quite a nice, happy track.

Gotta Be You

I think I’ve heard this one before at some point, but I only remember a very high pitched ‘oooooooo’ sound, so this one’s got a blank slate. Oh, nice, violins, very dramatic. ‘Anointed’ – someone’s let them loose on a dictionary. Aaah, there’s the high-pitched ‘oooooo’. This seems to have a very similar message in it to the first song; the kind of ‘you are a very special girl and I did something stupid but why don’t you like me’ one. The rest of it doesn’t really say owt though, it’s just words picked to rhyme, not speak. Ooh, is that a harmony? That’s a serious question because I don’t know music. Is this their song for when they stand in a line and do a simultaneous arm sweep at the chorus? Again, a bit too much chorus for my liking.

One Thing

Sounds like a jingle for a local radio station. He’s tried playing it cool, but when he’s looking at you (he gets a boner because that’s what teenage boys do). Dancy dancy chorus again. They need that one thing, and you have it, and I’m pretty sure it’s your vagina. Oh god, they’re climbing the walls WHAT ARE THEY STALKERS? “Something’s gotta give” – this is starting to sound like a friendzone song; “I’ve been really nice to you so can we have sex now because that’s how mixed sex friendships work/lol what does platonic mean”. There’s also the same ‘ooh you are special girl special special magic girl’ message as the previous songs, and AGAIN TOO MUCH BLOODY CHORUS. It’s almost like you’ve had these songs be specifically designed to have a very obvious catchy hook so they sell more.  . .

More Than This

This appears to be their first serious/sitting-on-a-bar-stool song. Woaaaahh there why’s it suddenly turned into dance music? Ow. No, I don’t like that. Stick to sincere-sounding guitars or dance, don’t do both, it’s just weird and it doesn’t sound nice. Their voices sound weird in this too, like they’re trying to slide into an American accent. Wooaah there, ‘when he lays you down’? Chill out there and stay out of this mystery girl’s sex life. Maybe you are dying inside, but that’s what you get for climbing her walls and being generally obsessive. Give her some privacy. That’s probably why she’s letting him lay her down instead of you. Anyway, the music – chorus. Can’t even be arsed saying it again. I really don’t like this one though, because of the overpowering ‘I should have more say over your love life’ message.

Up All Night

Woaaahhhh there boys, you’re supposed to be squeaky clean, right? Your demographic doesn’t even do Up Past Eleven, let alone the rest of the evening. Ooh, now you’ve got the idea, stick to just dance music type stuff – well I say ‘dance’ music, what I mean is that you’ve got more electricky noises. I’m actually dancing to this one. S’alright actually. So far, this one’s my favourite. Sounds kind of like they were listening to a lot of Katy Perry when they had this one written – they’ve even mentioned her in the bridge bit. IT’S THE SEX REFERENCE AGAIN CHILL OUT. IT WORKED FOR BUSTED, IT DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU. This is quite bizarre cause I’ve got The Sopranos on mute on the TV, so now it’s got a really surreal soundtrack and it looks like Paulie Walnuts is singing the song. Oh, they want to jump, not hump. That’s good, remember your target market doesn’t even like sex yet – actually, scratch that, I have, unfortunately, accidentally stumbled across 1D porn in the past and there’s … just no. It’s written by very horny young girls whose only experience of sex appears to be a diagram of the reproductive system and overheard snippets of 18-rated films.

I Wish

Here we go again with the ‘you’re with the wrong guy/friendzone’ thing again. And don’t try to pretend you’re shy, you’ve got more power than the government. This is their deep, sad song, isn’t it? It’s not really grabbing me. That’s a problem with a lot of the songs so far, they’re lacking in meaning and they don’t really sound good enough to make up for it, so after the first chorus I’m bored and I want to skip to the next song. This is actually so boring I’ve been editing the rest of the article while I’m waiting for this one to finish, because I’m supposed to be giving the whole album a proper go. Yawn.

Tell Me A Lie

‘Dance’ ‘music’ again. I say that in separate quotes ‘cause it’s not really dance and it’s not really music. So far, this one’s pretty boring too. Oh no, I like the bit just before the chorus. This seems to be going along the ‘no means yes’ line, too – oh no, you do want me, and you can say you don’t all you like, but I refuse to believe you. It’s not really interesting me though, and I’m more bothered by Tony Soprano’s terrible beige and cream short-sleeved jumper than the song. Oh, thank god, it’s over. I didn’t even notice most of that song happening.

Taken

The Rebound Song. This is also really boring. I forgot I was supposed to be listening, and not just because I have terrible concentration. Mediocre attempts to create funny captions for cat pictures are more entertaining than this. Ugh, there’s another two minutes left of this? Jesus Christ. Booorrrriinnnnggggggggggggg. Maybe if it was faster it’d be better? Maybe if it was shorter? Like, 20 seconds long?

I Want

Oooh, dramatic musical number. Ok, they’re all musical numbers, but you’d get it if you listened to it. It sounds like something you tap dance across a stage to. Oh, stick a little bit of guitar in there so you sound rock’n’roll. This album is really boring me though. Can I stop listening yet? There’s no depth to the songs, nothing to sort of think about. The music doesn’t conjure up any images in my head and the lyrics just make them sound like douchebags.

Want doesn’t get.

AaaaaAAAAaAAAargh, there’s another eight songs after this. Eight? Jesus wept, somebody save me. This song sounds exactly like all the others so far. I wonder if you did a word cloud of the song lyrics of this album, how often would the word ‘you’ come up? They must have said it more than ‘want’ and ‘eyes’. They’re definitely trying to sound American in this. Oh hey, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this episode, Richie’s still alive and he’s with Janice Soprano. Damn, she looks good in this one. Another minute left of the song and there’s nothing of enough substance in it to mention. Am I into the wrong kind of stuff to review this properly, or are the songs just that shit? You decide.

Everything About You

My ears are starting to bleed. I’m trying to see merit in these songs, but they’re just the same songs all the time. Same music, same lyrics, same messages of ‘this is what I’ve heard heartbreak sounds like but I’m more concerned about if this will sell well than if any of this makes sense and strikes a chord with listeners’. This is making me want to bang my head on the table. How do so many people like this stuff? It’s too boring to be the kind of music you really listen to, but it’s too annoying to be on in the background. Verse, chorus, chorus, chorus, verse, chorus, pause, more emotional chorus.

Same Mistakes

My brain hurts. Working out how this kind of pseudo-music sells so much is more difficult than trigonometry. I dropped maths, but I’m listening to this album by choice. This is more proof than anything that I should be on some kind of anti-psychotic medication. This isn’t funny anymore, I need it to stop. Why did I commit to listening through? Why are they trying so hard to sound American? American girls love British guys because they have absolutely no idea what real British guys sound like and think they’re all princes. Keep the British accent and the bad teeth, it makes you exotic. Fun fact: the next song is exactly the same length as this one, at three minutes and twenty six seconds (of auditory hell).

Save You Tonight

There’s still another approximately 20 minutes left of this tripe. Another lousy attempt at dance music so they can get played in clubs. This album is so predictable I could turn it off and just make up stuff for the last five tracks after this. But I won’t, because I should at least try to see if there’s anything good left to squeeze out of this album.

Stole My Heart

Which idiot let me think listening to this was a good idea? If anyone wants me to listen to their second album (thank god they’ve only got two) they’re going to have to get me very drunk first. This album is on a par with Sky Sports News as far as being interesting is concerned – i.e., it’s not interesting and is basically the same thing being repeated over and over again but rephrased in a few different ways and with lots of flashing lights.

Stand Up

I’ve just gone into cold sweats because I realised I miscounted the songs left and there’s one more than I thought there was. I really don’t know if I can withstand this for much longer. This is another attempt at a sensitive, personal song, it seems. Acoustic guitars and high-pitched singing. If the lyrics are to be believed, these guys cry a lot. I don’t mind guys crying a bit, because bottling up your emotions is a really bad idea, but they seem to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Maybe bottle a little bit of it up? Probably the reason why these mystery girls don’t like you is because you keep whingeing all the time (and because you’ve got this really overbearing, controlling attitude coming over in your songs). Oh, big dramatic drums at the end to try and make it exciting. Doesn’t work.

Moments

DUN DUN DUN BADASS SONG. Or at least, badass in a PG-rated sense. Bad**s, then. So angry and angsty they might even say a swear *gasp*. Aaargh, Chris Moltesanti just got shot, and I don’t remember why. I need to start watching The Sopranos properly again, I was on series 5. I don’t know who’s singing right now, but they have a really annoying, nasal voice.

Another World

These songs last far too long. I don’t know why they bothered thinking up all these different names for them either, when they’re basically the same song sped up and slowed down every now and then. You don’t even need to rename the songs either, because if you’ve listened through till this point your brain will have forced its way out through your ears and hung itself in the corner, so you won’t be able to read the titles anyway. Haha, I’ve just remembered something else as boring as this album; The Perks Of Being A Wallflower – yeah, you know that book-then-film that everyone reads because it’s philosophical and cool and all the yoof read it and make sketches of the characters saying meaningful quotes? I lasted with that right up until he said ‘and in that moment, I swear we were infinite’, and it took effort to get that far.

Na Na Na

Forever annoyed that when you say ‘Na Na Na’ people think of One Direction as opposed to My Chemical Romance, who released their Na Na Na back in 2010. At least four of their other songs have 'na na na' somewhere in them though, so maybe they should have the same title too.

I Should Have Kissed You

Actually delighted because I thought that this one was Na Na Na, but then I realised that I’d completely forgotten to listen to that one and it slipped by without me noticing. I told you I didn't even need to hear the rest of the album. The only comment I have for it is one I put in before I even pressed play on the album. Come on, one minute left . . . come on, finish pleeeassseee . . . THE END IS IN SIGHT, THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

Oh, thank the lord below for that, it's finally over. I think, even without actually looking at the songs as individuals, the fact that I had to actually try to finish listening to the album shows that erm . . . well, to hell with diplomacy, One Direction deserve none of the awards they've been given. Have they been given awards? I really hope they haven't been given awards, but I bet there'll be some twelve-year-old ugg-wearer somewhere out there who's blackmailed some judges into letting them win.

The experiment was a fail. One Direction are just . . . no. Don't ever use them in relation to the word 'music' if you want to be taken seriously. Very generic, meaningless pop music, and although sometimes meaningless pop music is good for dancing about to, this stuff's too flat and boring and repetitive to manage that. They're really annoying songs because they try so hard to be catchy, and yet I can't even remember any because they're also incredibly forgettable. I stayed Up All Night to listen to this, too - it's half two in the morning, and that weak pun is the best thing to have come out of making the decision to do this post.